You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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