You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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