Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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