Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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