Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
