Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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