Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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