my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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