Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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