I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
