WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
