I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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