Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
