I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
