Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
