Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
