Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
