Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
