You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
