After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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