ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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