Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
