Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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