1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
