Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
