You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
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I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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