I am puke
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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