shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
