they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
