My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
