apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
