i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
