I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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