You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
