He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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