My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
