If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
