He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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