just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
