i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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