Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
