me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
