brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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