TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
