he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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