he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
