I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
