john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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