you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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