I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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