she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
