I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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