I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
