I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
