i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
