I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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